The Empty

 

Just slightly in front of the weathered shingle cottage on the left and adjacent to the white cottage on the right there once stood a two story cottage called "Lou's Haven" that was Barry's family's summer home on White Horse Beach outside of Plymouth, MA. When the storm known as the "Perfect Storm" walloped the east coast, the cottage, pilings and all, was swallowed by the raging sea. In the two years that followed this catostrophic event my in-laws dealt with some severe health issues and died.  The city declared that the property and thus any rebuilding plans had been "abandoned" by the deceased owners and therefor no rebuilding could occur. Yeah. Turns out cities can be pretty heartless entities...but that's the stuff of another blog. Back to White Horse.

A couple of weeks ago on the way to Hyannis to catch the ferry to Nantucket and a much anticipated girl's trip, my dear friend Mary Lee suggested we veer a bit off track to check out White Horse. I eagerly agreed since I was anxious to see how the working-class beach community had rebuilt. We pulled into the parking lot next to the sugary white sand and followed a quaint boardwalk bordered by small, neat Cape Cod style cottages that were well cared for and weloming. And then...this empty space— where parties and clambakes and egg tosses and card games and cocktail hours and parents and grandparents and babies and aunts and uncles and friends once were. And now...empty— but for the memories that immediately flooded my mind and soothed my soul.

In the hindsight of a week or so since, that brief detour started a process of self-assessment —what was I feeling, really feeling since my mom's death last December? Quite simply, there was a part of me that was/is just plain empty. I was so focused on the last few months of her life —the traumatic hospital stay, the hospital-acquired wounds, the questionable medical care, the nightmarish home care incidents, the disastrous palliative/hospice care experience (oh yes...all to be detailed if and when I feel up to it). I was so focused and angry and dismayed with it all. Then packing up a household, dividing possessions, planning a service, writing a eulogy. Did I cry? Sure...the day before she died, the moment she died, when they took her out of her house as I watched my brothers escort her to the waiting hearse, when I called the regional hospice manager to reiterate (crying/yelling) that what happened to us should never, ever happen to another family. So yeah. I cried. And then, I didn't. 

Everyone grieves differently, I told myself. You had her for two years because of COVID, I'd think. "You were lucky to have her", "you'll have no regrets" friends would say, implying that if/when she died I'd feel some ...what? ...relief? that I'd cared for and protected her from the dreaded plague? I don't know. In any case, in a post-vaccinated window of time she was able to get back east to her home which she wanted desperately. So did I. And it was all good. Until it wasn't. 

I didn't want to deliver my mom's eulogy. I didn't trust myself. Once I start crying there's no stopping. I cannot cry softly and still speak. In fact, I'm a downright ugly crier. I practiced reading the eulogy over and over and over until the words that I painstakingly wrote and rewrote were just that...words. No crying. Relief.

"You must miss your mother." How many times have I heard that in the last several months? How many times did I ask myself, "do I?" Of course I do....I must.

So many times over the years I've written on sympathy cards, "may the love of family and friends and happy memories help you get through this difficult time." I surely had the love of family and friends. But the happy memories? It seems that once the scanned photos of a lifetime were committed to a slide show for the reception following my mother's funeral, I basically boxed them up. Stopped looking. Stopped remembering. Stopped feeling.  Defense mechanism? Perhaps. 

And now, if you don't mind—I'm going to start filling up my tank😊

Transitions

 We honored my mom this weekend. My brothers and I truly wanted the occasion to be a celebration of her life. I think she'd be pleased. There were tears for sure but mainly a celebration of who she was. As I said in her eulogy, her physical presence will be dearly missed, but...

Mary Lou McCarthy Sullivan

December 17, 1927- December 6,2021

 

Celebration of Life

 

April 23, 2022

 

Good morning.  Thank you for coming to celebrate the Mass and our mother’s life. You knew her as Mary, Mac, Mary Lou, Mrs. Sullivan, Coach, Auntie and Grammie (and to the Grimes girls, she was Big Lou). To Gary, Brian, Gerry and I, she was Mom.

 

At the time I was preparing these words — a friend of mine unveiled a painting exhibit. She had painted a series of beautiful flowers including a daisy, a tulip, and a carnation but there was one painting that really caught my eye. I couldn’t look at it without thinking about our mother. The painting was titled “Dandelion Once.” I ordered a print immediately and began to learn as much as possible about the little flower so that I could better understand the connection. I discovered that the dandelion and my mom have a great deal in common.

 

The dandelion is in the same flower family as the daisy and sunflower. Some people think of it as a weed because of its ability to thrive almost anywhere—oblivious to whether people like it or not.  It doesn’t really care what people think. Each yellow blossom is composed of thousands of flowers ironically called ray flowers. It symbolizes persistence, strong will, courage, resilience, simple joys, good companions and new beginnings. Although petite, the dandelion is very sturdy with an incredibly hardy root system. One author described the dandelion as having gypsy feet and wrote that “she is quite the traveler.”  When the flowers turn to puff balls which are carried by the wind, 100 plus seeds can travel for miles and plant in the tiniest amount of soil to begin another life cycle.

 

Our mom was a strong and spirited woman. She was a talented athlete and passed on her skills and knowledge to my brothers—teaching them to skate and handle a hockey stick and pitch, catch, and hit a baseball. When Gerry wasn’t hitting well and grounding out frequently, she taught him to bat lefty because she said, with his speed, he could beat out ground balls easier. Brian played hockey a few years with Paul Fenton who went on to have a successful pro hockey career. Mom often told me “Paul was a much better player when Brian was on his line!” As for Gary, she never tired of praising his smooth skating and skiing styles— a natural she said. She had a great golf swing and love of the game and all my brothers do as well. I inherited very little of her athletic ability, so the day she admired my golf swing and seemed more than mildly surprised that I could hit the ball straight— I was pretty proud of myself.

 

She was quite competitive and managed to turn some rather mundane activities into some kind of contest—like on her Ireland trips where she was determined to be the first person on the bus so she could save seats for her group. Gary, not the most punctual of us, was very thankful for that. My mom sang Brian’s praises because he was so helpful in herding the group onto the bus on his trip. Gerry’s initiation occurred at Shannon Airport shortly after landing and he remembers it as a contact sport. As far as my Ireland trip, I’ll never forget the sight of my cousins Sheila and Sue chasing the bus down the street in Cork because my aunt Peggy wasn’t as vigilant as her sister about getting her group on the bus!

 

Our mother was an excellent shopper and saver. We were among the best dressed kids thanks to her trips to Filene’s Basement, scooping up sales items at Steiger’s, and being first in line at Marc and Carl’s aka the junk shop. We had a great childhood, due in large part to that dollar-stretching ability—from our long summer vacations at Point O’ Woods to skating and skiing gear, team and club memberships and so much more—we never felt we lacked for anything.   

 

Mom was always on the go and rarely sat still. Her sister Ellen says that dinner would barely be eaten and my mother’d be dashing out the door to meet the Nihill girls and other friends at Van Horn. Then and throughout her life our mother always had a bevy of friends. In obituary notes that she wrote, she described them as “a wonderful circle of friends.”  

 

Mom was proud of her Irish/Catholic roots—she spoke often of her childhood on The Hill where values of faith, family, friendship and Irish traditions prevailed. She was a life member of The John Boyle O’Reilly Club. She insisted her winter visits in CA had to end early in March so she could attend all the St. Patrick’s Day festivities back here.

 

Our mom became a widow at the age of 67. Though she certainly grieved the loss of Dad, she didn’t merely survive the next 27 years, she thrived. She traveled, she enjoyed the company of friends, she proudly watched her nine grandchildren grow into adulthood and she delighted in the arrival of her three great-grandchildren. She honed her bowling, golf and card game skills and she continued to be among the best bargain-hunters ever.

 

Our mother’s nurturing style can best be described as fierce. She was fiercely loyal, protective, and proud of her children and grandchildren. As children and as adults if any of us experienced a lapse in judgement or a misstep in life, she was there to provide support and encouragement. We could always count on her to be on the sidelines cheering us on or helping us out when unexpected obstacles got in our way.

 

Our mother was truly one of a kind. We will miss her physical presence in our lives. But as surely as the dandelion endures and thrives, our mother lives on in each of us—and all of you— in the thousands of moments and memories we shared. And though we will lay her to rest beside Dad today; she is still here as well—she is everywhere the wind and her gypsy feet take her.   Love you Mom.

Back in the Game

 I haven't written anything since my mom's death in December. I'm not sure why. But today I feel like writing so I'm just going to let it flow. 

I received the nicest comments today about my book Growing Up Irish Memories of a Hungry Hill Childhood. The gist of the remarks was that the gentleman who made them—some seven or so years my junior—thanked me and said that he felt he was reliving his childhood including the school, interactions with nuns and priests, and so on. Since my primary objective was to evoke the feel of a special place in a special time peopled by engaging and endearing characters including yours truly, the comments really warmed my heart. 

I haven't promoted this latest writing adventure much. The joy was in recalling the memories, focusing on the good times without any of the angst, and searching for the faded, often crumbled photos that added another dimension to the tales of my childhood and the relatives and friends who were a part of it. I'm so grateful that I completed it in time so my mother could enjoy it as well. I have her copy now. Even though she only had it for about six months it's fairly dog-eared from her frequent readings. She told me she read it at least eight or nine times and always found something she'd forgotten about. I'm glad. I think one of the things she enjoyed most in the months before she died was the remembrances of her life—her parents, her siblings, her childhood, her friends, her adventures.  That I could play a small part of that by memorializing some of those people and moments brings me a great sense of satisfaction and peace.

Speaking of peace— when I pieced together my mom's obituary from multiple pages of her scribbled notes that I found in her home several months before her death (before we even thought her death was anything more than a possibility because of her age alone). I asked that she read it and "sign off" on it. She did. When I submitted it to the newspaper for publication it stated she died "peacefully." I really, really struggled with that. While she may have had eighteen hours free from pain and was seemingly at peace, the weeks and months leading up to that were anything but peaceful. In fact, she was as feisty, spunky, and spirited on the months-long journey to the end of her life as she was throughout her life. And I truly believe that any peace she finally found was thanks to the good Fr. Farland not the end-of-life drugs we had to beg, plead and cry (yes, cry) for from a hopelessly deficient health care provider/system. But that's the stuff of another blog.

Anyhow, getting back to books. Self -publishing requires significant self-promotion. I am getting the hang of self-publishing now that I've managed to crank out two books in a decade and a half. Prolific author I am not. For me, the promotion doesn't come easily. With Missing Michael, I believed there was a ready-made audience of parents who were experiencing the travails of living with seizures day in and day out. I reasoned that if I could help just one parent feel less alone in their grief, despair and discouragement that it was worth putting my family's pain on the printed page. I tracked the sales incessantly the first few months. I wanted the book to sell well because I actually DID hear from parents who felt comforted that indeed they were not alone.  It was worth it even though it cost more to publish it than the earnings generated after 15 years of anemic sales! As for Growing Up Irish, that's another story altogether. It was a pleasure to write, and it's been great fun to read the mostly positive reviews and the comments about similar childhoods and experiences. So—I guess if I want to keep having that fun, I'll have to learn to promote my work without apology. 

Back to my mom. I'll be headed back to my childhood neighborhood in the spring to celebrate my mom's long and wonderful life and bury her next to my dad. One of my brothers wants me to speak at the church. I don't want to. I've written about my mother in blogs and in a book. I dedicated my first book to her. She was alive to feel the meaning of all my words. I sobbed in the hours leading up to and following her death. I have not cried much since—but I'm pretty sure that seeing and greeting so many of the family and friends from my childhood coupled with the songs that will be sung during her service will surely cause tears to spill. I'm pretty sure I'm going to pass and leave the eulogy to Fr. Farland. I'm pretty sure...